**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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