Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
