it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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