I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
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