thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it was like eating out sand paper
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
