I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
