How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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