I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
