I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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