What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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