dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
