we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
