I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When did angry sex become our thing?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
