you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
