I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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