Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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