He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
