Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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