it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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