You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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