I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
