I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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