You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
