Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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