A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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