...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
