I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
