My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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