Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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