you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
