her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
