ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
