just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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