The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
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