oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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