i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
