Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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