he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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