Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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