sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
