get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.