im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
