we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
