I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
