I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
