After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
