I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
