even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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