A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Farmville is her only friend.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My penis needs a shock collar
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
