Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
