the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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