Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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