I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
