I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
