You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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