I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
