if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
worst night to have a conscience
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
