Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
