Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
