I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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