omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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